My last budget log post was received really well! It pointed out just how valuable and necessary money talks are and so I’m happy to show back up here with more.
But I’ll be honest say that this week started with me keeping lousy track of my expenses. I got into some weird shame spiral where every dollar I spent I just thought to myself “wow, are you really making enough money to be spending it on that?” It doesn’t make much sense, but neither does shame. And this is what it does – shame is excellent at helping you dig a nice cozy little hole to squish yourself into. It’s great at telling you all the terrible things about yourself and then following up with “but look at this bed I made for you, we’ll be real safe in here.”
Shame is the relationship that you don’t realize is abusive until you find your way out.
When you bring that shame into the light, you relinquish its power. By speaking its name we find out that the things we’re ashamed of aren’t worth worrying about. Then we can kindly invite shame to snuggle up in that hole it dug so we can bury it ourselves.
My point here is that shame is a normal feeling that will only pass when we acknowledge it and continue forward. If you haven’t read anything by Brené Brown, you really should. She’s a shame and vulnerability researcher and has written at length about these subjects. I was first introduced to her by a friend who loaned me a copy of The Gifts of Imperfection. I devoured that book and moved along to Daring Greatly. If you’re at all interested in these subjects, I encourage you to read some of her work.
Anyway, with all that being said, here’s my spending log for the week of 9/9 - 9/15:
Intuit/Quickbooks. Business Service.
This was a new Mnemosyne notebook that I’m STOKED ABOUT
This gets filed as a business expense because it was a work session.
As you can see, groceries and coffee are the main part of my spending. Y’all, I love food. I love trying new recipes, piecing together a meal, and I love the challenge of trying to make good, real food when I’m trying to live cheaply. But this is also something I have to watch, because when that shame spiral starts, the two things I binge on are food and coffee.
To be real honest, as silly as it sounds, this is the part I was most afraid of admitting and sharing this week. It’s easy for me to fall into a shame spiral about most ordinary things, but a particular vulnerability for me is food — how often I go to the store, how bad I am at planning meals out (even though I’m pretty good at it), and what I choose to eat. There’s a voice in my head as I walk through the store pointing out how frivolous any luxury is and how I don’t need or deserve it. I’m not sure where that comes from, but it’s something I’ve become more aware of in this last week of logging my spending habits. I mention it not to mope or vent but to hopefully help you feel a little less alone if you also get these feelings.
Thanks for reading this week and I hope to see you here next time!
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